Advent 4: To seek humility

My day began as it typically does, a mug of warmth in my hand and my hood slugged over my chilled head. I sat at my table, about to do some worship planning/devotional writing, when I received a text from a friend. Wending its way into the early hour darkness, it said: 

Can you talk?

I left my table for my chair and texted back: Sure.

We talked ugly words like "submission" "obedience" "humility".

We talked of our inclination toward self-pity, the holding onto self by holding onto pain. How we rationalize with our minds and choose against the healing of our hearts.

Soon enough I left the chair as the curtain lifted from night to day, 

but soon enough I found--

I could not leave the conversation behind.

This is a season of on-my-face before the Lord, uncovering the deepest place I've ever seen of me saying no, of me protecting me. I say "I do not want to be hard-hearted!" but hard-hearted is what I see. I say "I do not want to turn away!" but turn away is what I do. 

He kneels on the ground, a humble diligent King, and shows me how much it hurts Him, when I reject His way.

He holds before me the face of another, the one for whom He came as babe and died as man and reigns as victorious King.

And He asks me now to lay down my life, beyond the maximum I think He has already asked. Every bit I'd call my rightful own, He says belongs to Him. 

I flounder, I shake, I shut down. I call to Him though; I want His say.

He promises I will see Him, when I join Him.

And in my fear, my unbelief, He reminds me: 

He is the One who made the way.

Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

Shout aloud, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Behold, your king is coming to you;

righteous and having salvation is he,

humble and mounted on a donkey,

on a colt, the foal of a donkey.

[Zechariah 9:9]

Soon enough I leave my self-righteous throne;

I come to Bethlehem,

and see.