Even when it's hard.

It's usually one of my favorite weekends, seeing the beauty of each person God made, unique and in His image. I usually love to watch and to listen, to connect to each heart and seek out each mind. I love listening for what God has to give, and speaking life and truth into this step of each journey.

This weekend I sat at that Leadership Advance and noticed:
My heart is just not in this. And though my body was there for each long day, my mind felt far away, and my heart unavailable.

"What is wrong with me?" I just kept asking,
but Silence was all I heard.

Add to this that I am Daniel Fasting, out of a moment where God made clear that it was the thing to do. I usually love to fast, love the recalibration of self-denial and my whole being looking to Him.
It didn't take me long to notice though: I hate this fast. I am so annoyed over the limitations of it, and am longing for the ability to eat what I want again.

Once again. My body is here, but my mind and my heart not. so. much.

When Sunday night closed out with worship, I just sat before the Lord. I opened my hands and I said: Realign me.

And He spoke right back, as if He had been waiting:
Will you serve me, even when it's hard?

I sat in His question and I looked at it straight.

My mind said "of course!" but my heart said "no way."

And this is new material for me--I am the girl who loves Jesus so much!
I am the one who says Yes! before she thinks, just because she wants most of all to serve Him.

So I've sat here, and I've pondered, and I've walked out my days, and I've let others speak. And I've come to the realization, without complaint but simple statement of fact:

I feel like I have poured out everything I have to give,
and there is nothing left to fill me up.

Now, we all know the Sunday School answer to this: Jesus is supposed to fill me up! God is my everything, and He is all I need! I should serve Him out of the overflow of my heart! Overflow for everyone!

But listen: What do you do when He Himself has chosen to leave you in a moment where He is actively not, filling you up?

You look at your heart. You see it for what it is.

You see that this is not the hardest thing you've been asked to do, this serving those He's given you, giving to what He's called you, investing and loving and keeping on going. But you see that your heart was in those harder things, and in this season of all-poured-out, your heart is no longer interested.

You see that it is easy to go where He asks you to when your heart wants what He wants too. It is not so easy to go when your heart has said: I'm done.

When your heart is in, your hard is easy. But when your heart says no and He is still asking for it--

Will you still serve Him?

Shades of Leadership Advancing

It's a weekend of 

 inspiring and informative speakers

 mixed with time with dear ones,

 while I watch every move my team makes.

 It's worship

 and sitting with the Lord,

 asking for insight into the ways

 He's made each one.

 After much angsty figuring-it-all-out,

 there's the competition where the teams present their products,

even though it's the Process that is the point.

Winter.

 There were indications that it was on its way,

 then, yesterday, fat snowflakes, falling down.

 I walked, breathing it all in,

 arriving in my cozy cottage, just before the squall.

 It was a brief orientation,

a reminder that winter holds great beauty.

Also, I am very grateful, 

because it turns out my chipmunk friend 

was storing me up a food supply 

in case the winter gets too rough:

[Yes, he put birdseed inside of my boots.

But hey, I figure, as long as he didn't poop in there...]

Success.

This weekend found me staying 

with Kate and Sarah while Heather and Ash were away.

We hung around

 doing some leisure

and doing some work.

Determined to win at this toffee-making thing,

 I tried again. 

And when I asked her "did it work?"

her response was: Heck YEAH!

We of course then ate too much of it, 

until our bellies hurt.

But we were cozy and happy watching episodes off the food network, 

cuddled up together until we couldn't keep our eyes open anymore

and our bellies had taken care of themselves.

I Really Should Have Known Better

I have known for years that drinking caffeine after the noon hour means I will lie wide awake in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling.

But one day this week I found myself buying a breakfast wrap for lunch at one of my favorite coffee spots, and I thought: coffee! Why wouldn't I? And though my plan was to fill my large paper cup with decaffeinated coffee, I was seduced by the Southern Pecan coffee at the coffee urn counter.

This was surprising, seeing as flavored coffee is not really my thing.
But I thought, hey! Why not?

And MAJORLY REGRETTED IT, when at 1:19 am my eyeballs refused to close.  (That's why not, you idiot...)

Now, my plan for early the next morning had been to make some toffee for a friend's birthday later that day. But I laid there as the hour clicked on toward 2, and thought: What better time than now?

I got up. I wrapped myself in my giant hoodie and skulked like an intruder through my midnight cottage. I turned on all the lights in the kitchen, and loaded up butter and sugar into a pot, stirring to beat the band.

Wide awake, by the way.

Now, I'm not sure why I had it in my head that toffee was the thing to make, since toffee is not something I have ever made before, and is known to be on the trickier side of easy. But things were going along swimmingly, caramel shaping before my eyes, when ALL OF A SUDDEN the butter was separating and the sugar was clumping. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I was pretty sure it wasn't that. So I tried to keep it, tried to make it work, but in the long run:
Into the trash it went.

But no worries! It's 2:38 in the morning, but I am still WIDE AWAKE! And I happen to have more butter and more sugar, so here we go again, after I research a bit what just went wrong. This time I add salt to the butter and sugar, so that it doesn't separate, and I stir less frantically, so that it doesn't evaporate too quickly, and things are looking up! Ooey gooey caramel starts to form, and my timer is set for the 13 minutes this new recipe suggests.

But, who knew that beautiful amber turns to browned-out burned in less than a second?

Not I, because, as you recall, I've never done this before.

Turns out, my stove only needed eleven minutes. Still, I tried to make it happen. I poured it all out on the cookie sheet, I covered it with chocolate and pecans and course sea salt. I hoped against hope that the fact that my kitchen smelt like some sort of burnt sacrifice had occurred would have absolutely no effect on the flavor. I stuck the pan in the refrigerator to shape itself up, and returned--still AWAKE, but less WIDE--to my bed.

In the morning, after sleeping the sleep of "I should have been doing this all along", I ran to the fridge to see what I would see. I pulled it out, I cracked those pieces just like the recipe said I would.

And then I tasted it, the moment of truth.

And the truth is: It was AWFUL.

Over salted and burnt for sure.

The good news, however, is that I am 

a) more determined than ever to learn how to do this, 

now that I know what I am and am not looking for, 

and b)

Trader Joe's has my back.

As for the coffee, I really should have known better.

As for the toffee: Soon enough, I will.

To Celebrate Our Sweet Girl

14 only comes once.

The Most Beautiful Day of the New Year thus far

We woke up late and lazy lazy.

We rolled around in pajamas and breakfast,

and then, we had the most beautiful day.

We gathered in the living room. 

 We watched a show Ben thought I'd like, and man--

 was he right. Episode after episode rolled on the screen

 as we sat together, coloring our little hearts out.

Eventually we thought we should probably eat,

 and this deliciousness appeared at the snap of our fingers.

As the hour grew late, 

we finished up our creations,

lamenting on the fact that we had to leave,

ever.

An Eve of a New Year

I had a precious introvert day in my cottage,

and then I was on the road again.

Kendra and I made our way over to York,

picked up Katy,

and wended over to Nelli & Ben's.

We settled in to togetherness

 [and coloring] immediately.

Soon enough, however,

 we were joined by some of the dear ones 

our Nelli has come to call friends.

 The grape leaves were rolled,

 and then we stuffed our faces

 with all of the delicious possibilities available to us.

There were games then

 in N & B's newly painted [by yours truly] living room,

 and we laughed

 and waited

 with peace and love,

 making fun of all the weird things we saw on the tv,

for the moment of a new year.

And though I was struggling as the hour got near,

it was a beauty of an evening, with these treasured ones.

Christmas 9: The Baxters

And then it was time to drive back home.

On my way, a quick visit to my favorite Baxters.

We immediately settled into their living room,

and caught each other up.

Then, we had a delicious grilled cheese lunch,

seated in their beautiful new kitchen.

Then Andrea I went to Chestnut Hill,

to do a little Penzey's Spice shopping,

along this charming street.

[Strangely, there were no pictures, other than this.]

We returned home for soup,

and then I was on my way.

A quick visit, but a treasured one.

Christmas 8: Shopping Day

Next, I had a shopping day 

with those two crazy favorites I told you about.

First,

 the Christmas Tree Shoppe,

 full of things you don't need,

and some things you find quite cool.

Then, Ikea.

 I adore Ikea [don't ask me why.]

Then, we battled the traffic to such an extent,

 we were ready to eat.

 Bobby's Burger Palace,

 to. the. rescue.

Then, the mall and Target,

 where I discovered my Christmas had not been complete.

 Clearly there was no reason for me to not have received

 a Tinsel Pig!

But then, 

finding absolutely nothing in the way of 'we need this',

Crate & Barrel.

I took my Christmas money, and bought these Essential plates

in order to save the environment and my budget, 

when I entertain.

Of course, they gave me a box of soup bowls instead,

so later that evening Marlo and I schlepped down Rt. 17 again.

A shopping day full of all sorts of quality time!