Even when it's hard.

It's usually one of my favorite weekends, seeing the beauty of each person God made, unique and in His image. I usually love to watch and to listen, to connect to each heart and seek out each mind. I love listening for what God has to give, and speaking life and truth into this step of each journey.

This weekend I sat at that Leadership Advance and noticed:
My heart is just not in this. And though my body was there for each long day, my mind felt far away, and my heart unavailable.

"What is wrong with me?" I just kept asking,
but Silence was all I heard.

Add to this that I am Daniel Fasting, out of a moment where God made clear that it was the thing to do. I usually love to fast, love the recalibration of self-denial and my whole being looking to Him.
It didn't take me long to notice though: I hate this fast. I am so annoyed over the limitations of it, and am longing for the ability to eat what I want again.

Once again. My body is here, but my mind and my heart not. so. much.

When Sunday night closed out with worship, I just sat before the Lord. I opened my hands and I said: Realign me.

And He spoke right back, as if He had been waiting:
Will you serve me, even when it's hard?

I sat in His question and I looked at it straight.

My mind said "of course!" but my heart said "no way."

And this is new material for me--I am the girl who loves Jesus so much!
I am the one who says Yes! before she thinks, just because she wants most of all to serve Him.

So I've sat here, and I've pondered, and I've walked out my days, and I've let others speak. And I've come to the realization, without complaint but simple statement of fact:

I feel like I have poured out everything I have to give,
and there is nothing left to fill me up.

Now, we all know the Sunday School answer to this: Jesus is supposed to fill me up! God is my everything, and He is all I need! I should serve Him out of the overflow of my heart! Overflow for everyone!

But listen: What do you do when He Himself has chosen to leave you in a moment where He is actively not, filling you up?

You look at your heart. You see it for what it is.

You see that this is not the hardest thing you've been asked to do, this serving those He's given you, giving to what He's called you, investing and loving and keeping on going. But you see that your heart was in those harder things, and in this season of all-poured-out, your heart is no longer interested.

You see that it is easy to go where He asks you to when your heart wants what He wants too. It is not so easy to go when your heart has said: I'm done.

When your heart is in, your hard is easy. But when your heart says no and He is still asking for it--

Will you still serve Him?