Love, Rearranged

Closing in on a year ago now, 

I ran into a wall, fell flat on my rear-end, 

and--bewildered--sat there.  

On the ground.  

Looking around, saying 'what in the world just happened?!' 

And God--who'd been waiting for that moment--looked at me, rubbed His hands together with glee, and said,

'Oh! You're here! Good.  Now we can get started.'

Counselors, prayer teams, mentors and friends surrounded me and supported me as God spoke and moved and made it clear:

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free.

  Over this year I have learned to believe that until we understand this key component of God's heart, 

we will never understand God's heart.  

If you think that perhaps you don't know what that word 'freedom' means, ask Him to show you, 

because here's another thing I've learned: He will.  

Show you, that is, because here's another key component:

He wants to.

Because His heart is for you.

Now, I thought I understood what that meant. I knew that I was loved by God!  What Christian doesn't know that?! 

But one of those pray-ers during one of those prayer times I mentioned earlier spoke over me words that I have watched come true without my knowing that they needed to.  He said 

'You are rearranging your understanding of the Father's love',

and, I am here to tell you:

I am now walking in Love, rearranged.

See, now that I know what freedom is, I know that I can be myself in all of my mess, turn to God and say 'help!'.  I know that He will not condemn me, He will not turn His back.  

He will say: 'I was just waiting for you to ask!'

And He will move mountains of my junk,

delighting in me the whole time. 

Now you might think it's odd that I've chosen this random day to tell you about all of this, but here's why I'm thinking about it:

This past weekend Heather and Ash went away, and I rolled into their garage with my car, my bags, and my pillow for 4 days of fun with Sarah and Kate--

and there is no better lesson regarding what real love is than to spend some lengthy time with children who've gotten your heart.

Sometimes they are so sweet,

 you just want to squeeze them.

But, sometimes....

they, are, full, of, sass.

Sometimes their giggles fill your heart,

 and their desire to be as close to you as they can be makes you break into snuggles and song (and nail painting supplies),

but, sometimes...

getting a word out of them is like pulling teeth.  

Out of something that has no teeth.

When they stuff half a hot dog down their throat because they're starving

(after you've heard a litany of 'I'm starving I'm starving I'm starving I'm starving' the entire football-traffic-enhanced car ride to the restaurant),

when they lose control during a game that was intended to maintain the reign of calm before bedtime,

(mm-hmm)

and when they are more interested in filling, drinking from, and shooting the water gun that they continually seem to find no matter how many times you hide it while you're trying to braid the hair that they insist must be braided,

your love for them never changes.  Never waivers.  

(And, by the way, I'd just like to say:

look at that braid. I mean, can I get an appreciation from somebody?)

And--despite the fact that you may feel a bit under appreciated or as if you'll never sleep a full night again or like there must be something that would alleviate their constant need to eat--your love takes great delight in them, 

because you think they are the cutest, 

and that they do the darndest things.

Like, when they spend--literally--15 minutes completely focused on buttoning themselves into your clothing:

Like when they work so cooperatively together,

 laughing so joyfully as they box with each other on the screen

 (which, by the way, was your GENIUS idea for focusing the energy that control was lost over moments before...),

and when they chatter away about all the little things their little hearts love while they make themselves pizza fit for much bigger people.

So here's the thing that these sweet little monkeys showed me this weekend:

That when they are free to be themselves, to do whatever it is that they do, they still experience my full love.

And, when they show me that they understand that it's a key component of my heart by relying on it to be so?

It makes our relationship real.

Understanding God's love involves understanding that

--NO MATTER WHAT I DO--

there is no condemnation, there is no turning of anyone's back.

And--at the end of the weekend, and of the proverbial day?

I am rearranged.