Transitions Get Me--Every Time.

I am a 31 year old woman. Ever since I have legally been an adult, I have lived an academic life. My calendar is defined by semesters. My semesters are defined by new schedules, new routines. My change of semesters are defined by transitions. And those transitions take me by surprise--

every. single. time.

I like to think that I am entirely self-aware. I do, after all, spend an inordinate amount of time either in my head or being talked out of my head by those who know and love me well. I do, after all, psycho-analyze myself to the highest possible degree whenever I sense the smallest amount of instability anywhere in my being. I do--after all--like to think that I am consistently and constantly aware of instability.

And--most of the time? I am. Aware. Processing. Stable. All those good things. Except for? Transitions.

[every dang-blasted single time.]

Today I woke up and looked back on my week of "school is done and I am free". This is what I found:

1. I have survived on toast. I recollect some peanut butter. I think it's possible there was an egg or two.
2. I have been consumed by an insatiable need to shop.
3. I have withdrawn from the world, and gone into hibernation. Not reaching out to others, barely reaching back to those who've tried to reach me, I have spent pretty much the entire week by myself.

There are good reasons for all of these things.

1. I haven't felt particularly hungry, and had no interest in food. I ate because I knew that I probably should, but I didn't really care what. Makes perfect logical sense. But at a deeper level? I can control my eating. I can't control the feeling that the whole world is shifting. Hm.
2. There would have been a time when I would have renovated my entire apartment and/or my wardrobe, but let's face facts folks: I'm a grad student. I don't make money. (I could write a whole other post about the blessings of this, but let's not get distracted here....) My shopping this week consisted of new towels. Completely justifiable new towels too, considering that the ones I have been using since I became a legal adult were given to me for high school graduation and have never lost the slightly mildewy-odor they acquired during my camp years, and because I found these new really nice towels on a ridiculous sale at Kohl's. The issue here, however, is not that I bought new towels. The issue is--what was I doing in Kohl's in the first place? Making the statement to myself and to anyone watching that it is entirely within my power to decide what I buy and what I don't. Gathering stuff to make me feel safer. Asserting control over my life. Hm.
3. There were some important things that came up this week that I needed to think about. Needed to pray about. Needed to seek God's wisdom about. You can't spend quality listening time at God's feet with a ton of chattering people around, I have found. Besides all of that, I had to write an article on a topic I knew nothing about, and there was a deadline looming. I had to gather information, I had to read it, I had to come up with something intelligible to say. This takes time. It takes quiet. People have a habit of getting in the way. But really? My default position on life--no matter how much I know in a rational and lived experience kind of way that it is not true--is that people take more from me than I get back. I feel overwhelmed by them. I feel drained of every shred of energy at the thought of talking to them. I feel like they want too much, I cannot control what they ask for, and I do not want to share with them. So if I pull away? They can't do it. I am safe. Hm.

So here I am. Hungry. The owner of some pretty nice towels. And about to re-emerge into my world.

And, though I feel a bit tricked by the power of those transitions to make me lose sight of myself? I'm grateful for an opportunity to learn more about how I work. That can only be good--

every single time.