Today I am Writing: On the Seedbed of My Heart

He challenges me. (Why is He always challenging me?)

Every week I go to see the friend who counsels me. We peer into the places I can't seem to unpack on my own, and he applies all of his training and all of his listening wisdom. And every week we hit the wall that says: I will not allow access into this place. To anyone.

My friend says, "Lauren, do you trust God?"

I say, "Don't be rude, of course I do."

But we both know that in this place, I do not;
when it comes to this place, I say, No.

My friend says, "Lauren, the presence of God is so real when we meet!" He wants me to remember how the Holy One is fighting for me, desiring for me.

But I say, "Whatever."

I say "whatever" a lot these days.

My friend says, "Lauren, you have got to pray. You have got to go to the places you have not gone before. You cannot have the Amen without the Yes."

He starts to preach, he starts to praise. I just watch him. Everything about me says: Unavailable. Everything about me says unavailable, but it comes down to my heart. Unwilling.

I say, "I'm so glad you're having such a good time over there..."

And then I go home.

I hear Jesus: "He's telling you the truth, you know..."

And I see the walled off compartment of my heart,
a seedbed of who-even-knows-what.

This morning He tells me that in this now moment there is a call to be a woman I have not yet been. He leads me to Proverbs 31, the "Proverbs 31 woman" that I am just a bit tired of hearing of, in Christian culture overplayed and substance underdone. I read the list of all the things this woman accomplishes in her day, and then I hear that whomping challenge, come down from above:

"It's about her heart," He says.
It's not what she does; it's about her heart. How she does it.

I think about a woman I know, whose surface polished and perfect is but a thin veil covering hatred and hostility. The fruit reflects the seedbed. Her seedbed is not good.

I think: Is mine? And am I willing to let Him change it?

I don't know. (I'm thinking about it.)