The nature of knowing all is well

So here I sit, on the cusp of my last weekend pre-comps.  

It's been awhile in coming--has anyone kept track of how many times the day has changed? 

Let us trace the history:  

Oh wait, I can't.  It's changed so many times I can't remember.  Plus, my brain is fuzzy.

Why is my brain fuzzy, you ask?

Oh, I don't know.  Because I've been studying like a little maniac for approximately the past 3 weeks?

Yes.  Yes, that would be the reason.  

But now--we're finally here:

All the information there's any chance of my knowing has been assembled onto these papers and cards, and is in the process of being transferred to my computer.

Just so that I know that I know.

So that I can trace the history of my studying and be able to say:

I understand.  

This stuff is not outside of me anymore--it's a part  of me.  It is me.  

And can walk into that room on Monday (and again on Tuesday) saying to myself:

Baby, all will be well.

But there's more to this journey than a pile of papers and a box of index cards.

There's a greater History here:

My history with a God who has made my paths straight, 

a God who uses everything and has made sure that I know it.  

A God who has called me for a purpose I can't even fathom, 

and has reminded me that above and beyond all of these silly preparations there is something so much more, because the real history is this:

When You said "Seek my face", my heart said to You "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek".

And because the nature of that history is to know that I know.
To understand:

Yes.  All is well--
To God be the glory.

Allow me to explain

If you are my friend, and you are wondering why I have disappeared over the past little while, please allow me to set the record straight:

I am freaking out!!!!!

and am clearly concerned about it.  

(Thanks Adam, for capturing such a lovely image.)

You see, my comprehensive exams arrive 

in exactly 11 days from today.

And they will be

comprehensive!!!!!

and so: freaking out.  

Because there doesn't seem to be enough time to remind myself of everything I've learned or thought about in the past 3 years, and because I am a self-acclaimed overachiever x 1,000+.  

And because all other aspects of life must go on despite this insistent need to study:

teaching to do, a dentist to visit, articles to write, facebook to check, concerts to play, bills to pay, emails to read, students to supervise, voicemails to listen to, meetings to partake in, exercise to have, rehearsals to be at, texts to respond to, bathrooms to clean, people to engage with, papers to grade, showers to take, birthday treats to bake.

Oh, and sleep, which tends to occur when my eyes won't stay open and not to occur when my eyes won't close, and which does not follow any type of pattern you might expect...

...which explains why I recently found myself at Walmart at 4:28 on the wrong side of the sun.

(A phenomenon, by the way, I highly recommend you explore for yourself sometime...)

Because, did I mention? There is also food to buy.  

(Because--as my mother continuously reminds me--

"you have to eat!".  Yes mother.)

And so I have been chugging along, until this morning, 

when I had a revelation:

No.  The blondies are not the revelation.  (I wish.)

The revelation occurred as I went to cut those blondies.  

My typical approach to cutting pretty much anything is

haphazard!!!!!!!

but, concerned about having enough of this birthday treat to go around this afternoon I thought to myself:

"Cut it in half, and then cut it in half again.  

You will get 16 perfectly shaped little squares, 

and everyone will be happy."

And then, the

revelation!!!!!!

Cut it in half, and then cut it in half again.

Take it one little piece at a time.

And you will be

Much. Happier.


So, don't worry dear friends.  Soon it will be over.  I will re-emerge.  And I will make up to you the fact that I have ignored you--
perhaps with a nicely shaped and perfectly cut happy little blondie.  


(Because see?  Maybe I have learned something.....)

I highly recommend....

...when life has you freaking out, that you go and get yourself with people who a) know you, b) love you for who you are,

and c) will buy you a pumpkin of your very own to carve.

Yes, Baxter time provides all of the above,

and then some:

The exuberance of Simon, 

the boy with the sweetest smile and a heart to match.

The entertainment of Nathan, 

the boy who impresses us with what he does not know he can do.

And the easiness of Adam, the boy who knows how to make you feel important when you've given him no cause.

There is also, of course, the patience that is Brent

[sorry Brent, this is the only picture I had for evidence...],

the requisite game of Apples to Apples,

and the making of a special dinner with Andrea.

Which, lest you think I forgot, brings me to:

Andrea.

My friend.

She cares for me, she listens to me, she laughs at my corniness.  She provides for me, encourages me, and allows me just to be.  

She is one of my favorite gifts. 

Much like Baxter time is some of my favorite time--

as I said, I highly recommend it!

Unexpectedly, Happiness

This past Tuesday found me on a bus full of undergraduates, headed to Harrisburg for a day of choral festivities.

Now, because I adore that man at the piano in the picture on the right, and because he has kept me playing the piano during my doctoral study years, I will not tell you that it was THE-LONGEST-DAY.

I will tell you, however,  about some unexpected moments that occurred in the middle of THE-LONGEST-DAY that I'm not telling you about.

Thing #1: An unexpected break, in the middle of the afternoon.

Thing #2: With the aforementioned unexpected break hovering before my eyes, I picked up my phone.  I called my favorite Mrs. Noll of the State Street Academy of Music.  I said "Mrs. Noll, I am in Harrisburg, and I have 45 minutes.  I'm coming to State Street, and I'm going to find you."

Find her I did.  Happy we were. (Glowing even....)

Thing #3:

I also found one of my favorite former piano students, the lovely and talented Miss Bailey.  

We squealed at the unexpectedness of the moment, we rejoiced, we took a picture.

Thing #4:

While walking down the street to find Mrs. Noll, I walked past a man selling flowers.  I smiled at him, and he smiled back.  Then he said "Wait!  I want to give you these!"

He handed me a gigantic bouquet of sunflowers.

He said, "If I can make someone happy today, that's a good thing".

And I said, "You have made me the happiest".

Flowers make me happy, always.

But unexpected flowers?

The happiest, by far.

And so, at the end of that LONGEST DAY that I haven't told you about, I climbed back onto that bus.  I gently placed my flowers in the seat next to me.  And I reflected on the small happinesses in life that keep us going through those inevitably long days.

And I am reminded:

In every day--even the longest ones--look for small, unexpected, gracious ways that say "God is good to me".

And then, pass it along.  Unexpected moments, after all, can bring happiness that lasts for longer than even the longest day.

Let me hear it now: H-O-L!

Many long years ago, Lisa & I naively sat in various places across New England, dreaming & conversing.  Hashing out life as we knew it, and as we wanted it to be.

 Then, she married this boy.

We quickly discovered that we were all 3 cut from the same mold, and that the dreaming, conversing, & hashing could continue with barely an interruption.

Thus we marched through our 20s together.

We added some unexpected elements to our friendship as we went:  new locations, broken dreams, enhanced appreciation for elaborate food and drink, a funny little dog.

We also collected some nuances our dreaming hearts hadn't seen coming: laughter made precious through unanticipated tears, hope distinguished by the confusion it took to get us there.

And thus we arrived into our 30s, graciously.  Lovingly.  Knowing, and being known.

That would be why this past Saturday afternoon found us all in Johnstown Pennsylvania, touring Lisa's aunt & uncle's dairy.

Wearing hair nets.

You see, we have realized that a friendship like ours requires scheduled get-togethers, and so--we schedule them.  Religiously.  And turn them into grand events under the umbrella title HOL!, aka Hash-Out-Life.

[aka Lauren Lisa & Geoff Get Together and Hash Out Life.  AKA--we need to, and cannot imagine life otherwise.]

So, after a delicious Fall-lined drive back to my place, we jumped right into more traditional HOL events.

A main characteristic of HOLs (and Fall HOLs in particular....) is The Margarita Master.  He's a wizard.

And he pretty consistently manages to knock me off my feet every single time.

That would be why I stopped wandering around the kitchen pretending to be making dinner, declared myself useless, and plopped couchside...

...while Geoff finished dinner--a beyond ridiculous Pasticio that had us all drooling,

[In fairness to me, that meat sauce bubbling away in the front there was entirely my doing....before the tequila took over....]

....and, while Geoff and Lisa did the dishes.

[I'm telling you--my defeat was intense.  But--again, in fairness to me--my tequila ingestion is limited to HOLs, so I have absolutely no defenses built up against it.  Essentially, you could say I've been set up for disaster by the people I trust most.....Hm.]

Eventually, we ate (while angels sang in the background).

We laughed.

We hashed out life, 

with only minor moments of snarky commentary.

And we dwelt in that peace of knowing, and being known.

At some point I was able to get myself together enough to make us some dessert (because when I said to Lisa "I don't think we need dessert, do you?" she looked at me as if I was about to be cut off from tequila ingestion for all future HOLs.  As if I were crazy, and betraying everyone involved.)

And she was right, because here we are.  Once again.  Sitting together, having learned a few things that make us perhaps less naive but a thousand times more--in countless ways.  Eating some of the best apple crisp on the planet (if I do say so myself), restored in heart mind and soul.  Having conversed, having hashed.  Having reaffirmed: We are in this thing called Life, together.  

Pass those Cheese Curds Please...

This week found me in Madison WI for the annual meeting of Big Ten Music Educators.




I will not bore you with the details, but here are the highlights:

• Beer and fried cheese curds with my WI friend, Amanda
• The opportunity to madly scribble thoughts into my "dissertation notebook"  (We are now one step closer to knowing what we're doing for said dissertation, and this is a good thing...)
• Afghani food
• A walk around town, which included an all-too-brief immersion into a local used book store, and a few moments of reflection near this very bizarre tree on this very windy lake

The best part of my trip, however, was that I returned home to find Geoff & Lisa settling into my living room for the annual State College installment of Lauren Lisa & Geoff Get Together and Hash Out Life.  Stay tuned for our adventures!

This is for keeps

Six months ago my parents celebrated their 35th anniversary, and my siblings and I said "Hey! We should celebrate that too!"  

Hence, this past weekend found us all in NJ, wearing coordinated clothing and whitened smiles.

After all, what better way to mark 35 years of life together then to document proof that it happened?

A picture, after all, is for keeps.  It's difficult to refute.

And it speaks for itself: It happened.

Now, lest you think we spent our entire celebration day sitting in a photo studio, let me fill you in:

We did not.

Since we are staunch believers in celebrating with food, we returned to Mom & Dad's 

where Keith & Marisa took charge of the appetizers.

This included lighting meat on fire.

(Leave it to Keith....)

After munching on the yummies and spending time with Grandma (who had been coerced into joining us for awhile...), it was time for main course preparation.

A menu of Filet MIgnon with Balsamic Syrup, Savory Risotto, and Roasted Ratatouille requires putting people to work...

...cutting vegetables like eggplant, peppers, zucchini.  

Oh, and onions.

(Sorry 'bout that Kara...)

The table was set with the wedding china, the wine was opened and allowed to breathe, and the food was laid out before us.

15 minutes later...we were done.

Fortunately, however, Dave & Kara had prepared two pie plates of deliciousness to help us finish off our evening.

We indulged with exclamations of wonder, over subdued conversation and genuine laughter.  

Reminiscing.  Being.  Tenderly loving.

Because here is the thing about being a part of a family:

You're not always going to know how to share your deepest heart. You're not always going to see eye-to-eye. You're not always going to chatter away with exuberant joy, or fully understand the severe mercies of each other's lives.

But you're always going to love.  

This family, after all, is for keeps.